notyourfathersosborn

Oh, right, I guess you weren't around yet when I heard about that. Uh...whoops?

[ Is that, "whoops, I dropped that information really tactlessly," or "whoops, I could have avoided sharing that info altogether?" Who knows? ]

Don't you "Uh, whoops" me Peter Parker. What happened?

Uh...apparently sometime in my future, Otto kills me and takes over my body for a while. A few months at least, I'm not exactly sure how long.

But, you know, my universe is weird, so--I get better and kick him out. It's fine!

[Normie falls silent at that, quietly seething at what will happen at some point when Peter goes home. Part of him wants to go out and take care of Octavius right then and there and save them all the drama, but the more rational part of him rejects that thought, knowing that Peter would never forgive him if he did.]

...If there's anything I can do, say the word and it's yours.

[ Sigh. ] Normie, it's fine. It's both over and done with, and sometime far in the future--hopefully, anyway. Nothing to be done about it while I'm here anyway.

That's what I'm referring to. Him here. Now. You're only fooling yourself if you don't think he's going to try something.

Oh, he'll try something, there's no doubt about that. I don't think that will be one of them.

I'd certainly hope not.

Does this mean we have to finally clean up the living room so that when your inevitable showdown with Ock happens, you don't have to wade through our socks and unopened DVDs of the X-Files?

[Yes, this is his attempt at lightening the mood.]

What do you mean, "our" unopened DVDs of the X-Files? I'm not the one who bought them because of my weird fictional crush.

[ Only 50% of that statement is true. Peter may not have bought the DVDs himself, but his undying crush on Gillian Anderson is only matched by his very definite Thing for David Duchovny. ]

Wow, you're kidding right? I'm not the one who bweeted out a picture of Gillian Anderson with the hashtag "wcw."

[Besides, his weird fictional crushes are Disney princesses. Get it straight, Peter.]

[ Long pause, typing noises. Peter's googling. ]

Okay, I conceded that if I had any idea of what "wcw" meant before you said it, and if I had a bwitter, I might have something like that.

Anyway, I'm not the one who's hoping Belle or Meg gets ported in.

[ Okay, Meg might be projecting. He's laying good odds on the choice of Belle, though. ]

Wait, that's not you I'm following on Bwitter? It's a verified account and everything!

[Note to self: have lawyers look into this.]

I'm very happily married, thank you very much.

[Even if he hasn't seen his wife in over two years. Or has actually gotten married.

That's not to say that that wasn't a bullseye though. Meg is absolutely his type.

I don't even have a Bwitter! I'm on Instagram.

[ It's the perfect social medium for him, because all he posts are snapshots of interesting urban design or found objects, cityscapes taken from strange angles, and whatever food truck meal he's purchased for lunch. He was accumulating followers even before the unmasking. ]

I'm pretty sure a Disney crush doesn't even count as an actual crush by those standards.

[ Granted, he and MJ used to have a celebrity okay-to-bang list and the only argument they ever had about it was when they both wanted to put Captain America there, but that just launched the acceptable-threesomes-to-negotiate-in-my-absentia list, so it all worked out in the end. Anyway -- Peter's standards may be a little different. ]

Edited 2017-05-28 22:23 (UTC)

I'll look into getting the imposter shut down. [A small pause.] He--or she--is pretty good, they completely had me fooled.

[All the more reason to have the full force of the OsCorp legal team to come down on them.]

But oh man, Instagram. I have one but I couldn't tell you the last time I've used it. It's been way too long. Maybe I should dust off the account...

[He was pretty active with it for a while, but OsCorp's been eating up all his free time.]

You say that now, but when Belle steps through the porter she's suddenly a whole lot less two dimensional.

I am both impressed and creeped out, if we're being honest.
--Wait, does this mean that I need to get a Bwitter now?

[ Maybe if he does, people will stop complaining on his instagram that he doesn't quip enough. ]

You say that, but remember those...technicolor pony people? They were still kinda two-dimensional. But okay, I take your point.

Only if you want one. Otherwise I'll create an account, get it verified, and sit on it so people can't continue to impersonate you.

[A pause.]

As a verified account, at least. Some of the parody accounts of you are hilarious, I wouldn't want to mess with those.

[...Wait.]

There were technicolor pony people?

If it's not too much trouble--thanks, Normie.

I would say you should link me to the best ones, but I don't want to get sued down the line for stealing material. Like with those fanfic writers.

[ Well... ] For a little while? They were vaguely pony-shaped, anyway. And kind of flat-looking. It was pretty weird.

Not too much trouble at all. Remember, what I can't do I have people to do for me.

[The joys of being rich.]

Can you get sued for using someone else's witty quips while punching baddies?

[Because really, it seems like the punching part would be more grounds for suing than the quip part.]

...Huh. Just when I thought this place couldn't get weirder.

Yeah, yeah, quit humblebragging about your minions. [ He's just teasing. Though, seriously, how are Osborns so good at accumulating minions?? Can Peter get some? ]

I have no idea. Too bad She-Hulk's not around, because she's the one person I can think of who might actually know if there's case law precedent in one of our universes.

You'd think, right?

I prefer to call them "highly compensated employees." And besides, what good are minions if you can't humblebrag about them?

[It's called money, and yes he can have some.]

Dad might know, or at least know someone who would.

[Foggy knows everyone.]

Any other weirdness I don't know about?

Well, I'd probably never accidentally dye my whites pink with poor quality spandex again.

[ "Poor quality spandex." That's his excuse. ]

Da--oh, Foggy Nelson. S'funny, he's your dad and my BFF's B-est FF and I still barely know the guy.

Normie, I've been an imPort for six years. How long do you want this conversation to last?

Jeez Pete even I know if you're going to be lazy and throw everything into one load, you at least wash in cold.

[He didn't even need minions to tell him that.]

You really should, if you get the chance. He's a great guy.

[One that he still feels extremely guilty for dicking over for years.]

At least give me the highlights. Lowlights?

I was distracted! By very important superhero stuff!

Well, at the rate we're going I'm not sure we'll ever meet unless he gets ported in.

Lowlights, lowlights...you know about the dick on the moon, right?

...You don't know where the knob is to change the water temperature in the washing machine, do you?

Is it bad I hope he does? I mean, Uncle Matt used to be here, why not Franklin?

[This place would be lucky to have him.]

...What?

Of course I know where it--you're being ridiculous.

[ He knows now... ]

He's got an even chance, the way I figure it. I mean, we've had multiple spider-people per spider-leg, it's strange we've only had a couple of Daredevil...ites. Dare-ing doers? White ninjas? Anyway, they've been pretty thin on the ground.

It happened before my time, in the City--I think Tank Girl did it? Also, the Statue of Liberty got turned into a Skrulltue of Liberty, but that was way later.

[ Around the time Mayday got replaced by a Skrull, but he's not sharing that story. ]

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i crack up every time I have him say "dick"

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