notyourfathersosborn

I'll look into getting the imposter shut down. [A small pause.] He--or she--is pretty good, they completely had me fooled.

[All the more reason to have the full force of the OsCorp legal team to come down on them.]

But oh man, Instagram. I have one but I couldn't tell you the last time I've used it. It's been way too long. Maybe I should dust off the account...

[He was pretty active with it for a while, but OsCorp's been eating up all his free time.]

You say that now, but when Belle steps through the porter she's suddenly a whole lot less two dimensional.

I am both impressed and creeped out, if we're being honest.
--Wait, does this mean that I need to get a Bwitter now?

[ Maybe if he does, people will stop complaining on his instagram that he doesn't quip enough. ]

You say that, but remember those...technicolor pony people? They were still kinda two-dimensional. But okay, I take your point.

Only if you want one. Otherwise I'll create an account, get it verified, and sit on it so people can't continue to impersonate you.

[A pause.]

As a verified account, at least. Some of the parody accounts of you are hilarious, I wouldn't want to mess with those.

[...Wait.]

There were technicolor pony people?

If it's not too much trouble--thanks, Normie.

I would say you should link me to the best ones, but I don't want to get sued down the line for stealing material. Like with those fanfic writers.

[ Well... ] For a little while? They were vaguely pony-shaped, anyway. And kind of flat-looking. It was pretty weird.

Not too much trouble at all. Remember, what I can't do I have people to do for me.

[The joys of being rich.]

Can you get sued for using someone else's witty quips while punching baddies?

[Because really, it seems like the punching part would be more grounds for suing than the quip part.]

...Huh. Just when I thought this place couldn't get weirder.

Yeah, yeah, quit humblebragging about your minions. [ He's just teasing. Though, seriously, how are Osborns so good at accumulating minions?? Can Peter get some? ]

I have no idea. Too bad She-Hulk's not around, because she's the one person I can think of who might actually know if there's case law precedent in one of our universes.

You'd think, right?

I prefer to call them "highly compensated employees." And besides, what good are minions if you can't humblebrag about them?

[It's called money, and yes he can have some.]

Dad might know, or at least know someone who would.

[Foggy knows everyone.]

Any other weirdness I don't know about?

Well, I'd probably never accidentally dye my whites pink with poor quality spandex again.

[ "Poor quality spandex." That's his excuse. ]

Da--oh, Foggy Nelson. S'funny, he's your dad and my BFF's B-est FF and I still barely know the guy.

Normie, I've been an imPort for six years. How long do you want this conversation to last?

Jeez Pete even I know if you're going to be lazy and throw everything into one load, you at least wash in cold.

[He didn't even need minions to tell him that.]

You really should, if you get the chance. He's a great guy.

[One that he still feels extremely guilty for dicking over for years.]

At least give me the highlights. Lowlights?

I was distracted! By very important superhero stuff!

Well, at the rate we're going I'm not sure we'll ever meet unless he gets ported in.

Lowlights, lowlights...you know about the dick on the moon, right?

...You don't know where the knob is to change the water temperature in the washing machine, do you?

Is it bad I hope he does? I mean, Uncle Matt used to be here, why not Franklin?

[This place would be lucky to have him.]

...What?

Of course I know where it--you're being ridiculous.

[ He knows now... ]

He's got an even chance, the way I figure it. I mean, we've had multiple spider-people per spider-leg, it's strange we've only had a couple of Daredevil...ites. Dare-ing doers? White ninjas? Anyway, they've been pretty thin on the ground.

It happened before my time, in the City--I think Tank Girl did it? Also, the Statue of Liberty got turned into a Skrulltue of Liberty, but that was way later.

[ Around the time Mayday got replaced by a Skrull, but he's not sharing that story. ]

Somehow I don't believe you.

[Normie's onto you, Pete.]

If I had to guess, I'm thinking they would prefer the term "devils." Maybe not dad, but Uncle Matt and Darkdevil.

Wait, wait! Okay so someone named Tank Girl went to the moon and what? Left a strap-on there? And why would a skrull pretend to be the statue of liberty?

Well, that's on you, not me.

That's a bit ambiguous when there are actual devils around, don't you think? [ Arguably including Reilly... ]

I don't know if she went to the moon, I just know that she drew a dick on the moon, with lasers or something.

It wasn't an actual Skrull, it was defaced. By Skrulls. When they tried to infiltrate.

I'm pretty sure Darkdevil is an actual devil. Or something of that nature, anyway. [Right, Peter wouldn't know who that is.] Darkdevil's a member of the New... er... new New Warriors, along with Phil and at one point May--[So not getting into how she got kicked out of her own team.]--and he's got Uncle Matt's schtick and most of his costume, but a whole lot more devil-ness to the face and voice.

[That actually causes Normie to sputter a bit.]

Hang on. She drew a dick on the moon? Like, you could see it from Earth and everything?! How is that even possible?

[Damn it, Peter, stop throwing him curveballs!]

There were Skrulls in The City?

Don't worry, we've met. He's a great kid. And yes, before you say anything else, I know your Uncle Pete feels differently. [ He tries not to judge, but... "tries" is the operative word, here. There's a lot that he's heard about his older counterpart that doesn't quite jive for him. ] Uh, in the interests of not spilling beans that aren't mine to spill--do you know his secret identity?

[ Peter felt the same way when he first saw it. ] Honestly, I have no idea. It was before my time and I'm sure someone told me at some point, but with everything else that's happened...

Just a handful, impersonating another handful of imPorts. I can't remember the full roster--Sherlock Holmes and Blue Beetle were two of them, I think, but not the ones who are here now. At least three or four others--and Mayday.

Darkdevil was here?! [That's news to him.] Not officially. Though I've always had my suspicions.

[Reilly probably shouldn't have pulled the disappearing as civilian/reappearing several seconds later as superhero thing in front of Normie. That combined with Reilly's uncanny resemblance to Peter and Darkdevil's weird obsession with Spider-Girl really make him feel good about his guess.]

...May?

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i crack up every time I have him say "dick"

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