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[notyourfathersosborn]

Hey there, you've reached Norman Osborn. Sorry I'm unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you shortly.

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[notyourfathersosborn]

The old lady? I've always wanted to meet here. When she was a problem, I was... out of commission.

[shutterbugged]

The old what now? Doctor Octopus is a woman where you're from?

[ Huh. He wonders what her plan was to get her hands on Aunt May's nuclear inheritance, in that case. A life insurance scam? ]

[notyourfathersosborn]

The new one apparently was. I was still in the hospital at the time, so I didn't actually assist on any of those fights.

[And then Élan sauntered into his life just as he was getting discharged. He shudders at the memory, knowing Peter won't see him since it's audio.]

...Wait, are you talking about Octavius then? He's been dead for a long time.

[Actually he just died fairly recently in Normie's timeline, but he doesn't know that.]

[shutterbugged]

I don't know why you would expect that to stop him. What kind of crazy universe do you live in where dead people stay dead?

[notyourfathersosborn]

[There's a long pause at that, and when Normie finally does speak, his voice is strangely flat.]

...I guess your world's got the weird quirk where death is a suggestion.

[shutterbugged]

...Peter Parker's mouth, meet Peter Parker's foot. Normie, I'm sorry, I--

[notyourfathersosborn]

...It's all right, Pete. I know you forgot.

[Though, truth be told, it isn't all right. He misses his parents every day, a feeling made even more intense since briefly being reunited with his father, alternate reality version or not.]

[shutterbugged]

It's not actually okay, and you don't have to say it is.

[ He sighs. ]

Anyway. It sounds like you mean Carolyn Trainer? She didn't last that long where I'm from. The one who's here now is Octavius, but I think we're out of sync.

[notyourfathersosborn]

[It's easier to pretend that nothing bothers him so as to not worry anyone he cares about. It's easier to pretend that his dead parent issues are solely between him and his psychiatrist.]

I think that was her name. Like I said, I was out of commission at the time--hospitalized and all--but it sounds familiar. Phil and Mayday would know better than I would, but...

[You know, they're not here.]

What part in your timeline is he from?

sorry lost in my inbox!

[shutterbugged]

Several years behind me, at least. He's not the guy who possessed me yet. Which is a relief, for obvious reasons.

[ He is not nearly as successful at being blasé about that as he'd like to be. ]

no worries!

[notyourfathersosborn]

He did what?

[shutterbugged]

Oh, right, I guess you weren't around yet when I heard about that. Uh...whoops?

[ Is that, "whoops, I dropped that information really tactlessly," or "whoops, I could have avoided sharing that info altogether?" Who knows? ]

[notyourfathersosborn]

Don't you "Uh, whoops" me Peter Parker. What happened?

[shutterbugged]

Uh...apparently sometime in my future, Otto kills me and takes over my body for a while. A few months at least, I'm not exactly sure how long.

But, you know, my universe is weird, so--I get better and kick him out. It's fine!

[notyourfathersosborn]

[Normie falls silent at that, quietly seething at what will happen at some point when Peter goes home. Part of him wants to go out and take care of Octavius right then and there and save them all the drama, but the more rational part of him rejects that thought, knowing that Peter would never forgive him if he did.]

...If there's anything I can do, say the word and it's yours.

[shutterbugged]

[ Sigh. ] Normie, it's fine. It's both over and done with, and sometime far in the future--hopefully, anyway. Nothing to be done about it while I'm here anyway.

[notyourfathersosborn]

That's what I'm referring to. Him here. Now. You're only fooling yourself if you don't think he's going to try something.

[shutterbugged]

Oh, he'll try something, there's no doubt about that. I don't think that will be one of them.

[notyourfathersosborn]

I'd certainly hope not.

Does this mean we have to finally clean up the living room so that when your inevitable showdown with Ock happens, you don't have to wade through our socks and unopened DVDs of the X-Files?

[Yes, this is his attempt at lightening the mood.]

[shutterbugged]

What do you mean, "our" unopened DVDs of the X-Files? I'm not the one who bought them because of my weird fictional crush.

[ Only 50% of that statement is true. Peter may not have bought the DVDs himself, but his undying crush on Gillian Anderson is only matched by his very definite Thing for David Duchovny. ]

[notyourfathersosborn]

Wow, you're kidding right? I'm not the one who bweeted out a picture of Gillian Anderson with the hashtag "wcw."

[Besides, his weird fictional crushes are Disney princesses. Get it straight, Peter.]

[shutterbugged]

[ Long pause, typing noises. Peter's googling. ]

Okay, I conceded that if I had any idea of what "wcw" meant before you said it, and if I had a bwitter, I might have something like that.

Anyway, I'm not the one who's hoping Belle or Meg gets ported in.

[ Okay, Meg might be projecting. He's laying good odds on the choice of Belle, though. ]

[notyourfathersosborn]

Wait, that's not you I'm following on Bwitter? It's a verified account and everything!

[Note to self: have lawyers look into this.]

I'm very happily married, thank you very much.

[Even if he hasn't seen his wife in over two years. Or has actually gotten married.

That's not to say that that wasn't a bullseye though. Meg is absolutely his type.

[shutterbugged]

I don't even have a Bwitter! I'm on Instagram.

[ It's the perfect social medium for him, because all he posts are snapshots of interesting urban design or found objects, cityscapes taken from strange angles, and whatever food truck meal he's purchased for lunch. He was accumulating followers even before the unmasking. ]

I'm pretty sure a Disney crush doesn't even count as an actual crush by those standards.

[ Granted, he and MJ used to have a celebrity okay-to-bang list and the only argument they ever had about it was when they both wanted to put Captain America there, but that just launched the acceptable-threesomes-to-negotiate-in-my-absentia list, so it all worked out in the end. Anyway -- Peter's standards may be a little different. ]

[notyourfathersosborn]

I'll look into getting the imposter shut down. [A small pause.] He--or she--is pretty good, they completely had me fooled.

[All the more reason to have the full force of the OsCorp legal team to come down on them.]

But oh man, Instagram. I have one but I couldn't tell you the last time I've used it. It's been way too long. Maybe I should dust off the account...

[He was pretty active with it for a while, but OsCorp's been eating up all his free time.]

You say that now, but when Belle steps through the porter she's suddenly a whole lot less two dimensional.